Jason starts this 10th episode with a brief look at the Florida real estate market. Then he brings on guest Cynthia Kane a best selling author who wrote How to Communicate Like a Buddhist. They discuss the philosophy of Buddhism and the idea of being Zen.
So I got in interested in real estate investing, you know, I’m actually my backgrounds in finance and I. So I have a pretty strong background but more so in what’s been traditional investing. And it’s funny that we’ve been touting diversification for so long and it’s been like that mix of stocks and bonds and I really felt like after all this time preaching to others that you know, this should work for them. It wasn’t even working for myself and thought that I really need to venture out and you know, real estate investing just it, it definitely interested in me, it wasn’t something that I struggle with, but it was, you know, something that I don’t know I got excited about right away, it made sense to me. And so it’s more so of creating that team and you know, knowing how to go about it was my biggest challenge and figuring out because with traditional investing, you can figure out an ETF or mutual fund you do online Research. This took a lot more effort. And I know that I can do it solo I need to, to come up with a good team and a good approach. So I found Jason, I was listening to not his podcast, but one that he spoke on. And it was just at that time I was just trying to learn. I’m like, well, you sounded pretty smart. So I’m going to listen to his podcast. So, you know, I actually listened to his podcast well over a year. And then I would say, you know, I don’t know it was more so just thinking. I don’t know. It just seemed like it was interesting, not necessarily something that would be right for me. And then all of a sudden, everything clicked. And it was right for me to take the steps and really figure out what Jason’s all about and, and the more the program and the safe I worked for me.
Welcome to the creating wealth show with Jason Hartman. You’re about to learn a new slant on investing some exciting techniques and fresh new approaches to the world’s most historically proven asset class. That will enable you to create more wealth and freedom than you ever thought possible. Jason is a genuine self made multi millionaire who’s actually been there and done it. He’s a successful investor, lender, developer and entrepreneur who’s owned properties in 11 states had hundreds of tenants and bed involved in thousands of real estate transactions. This program will help you follow in Jason’s footsteps on the road to your financial independence day. You really can do it. And now here’s your host, Jason Hartman with the complete solution for real estate investors.
Jason Hartman 2:37
Welcome, welcome. Welcome. This is a big day it is episode number 1200 1200. another milestone Episode 1200. In the last, what, 14 years or so that I’ve been podcasting, maybe 15 years, I don’t know. I really got to look and figure that out. We were a traditional terrestrial radio show before start In the podcast realm, so it’s kind of a little blurry there. But today we’ve got a great show for you. It’s a 10th episode show, my guest will be Cynthia Cain. She’s the best selling author of How to communicate like a Buddhist, and how to talk to yourself. Yes, the most important conversation any of us will ever have is the conversation we have with ourselves. How do you talk to yourself like a Buddhist? There you go, Hey, I’m not a Buddhist. But I do think Buddhism really has some interesting philosophy. It almost seems to me more like a philosophy than a religion in a way. One of my favorite quotes that I repeat often is actually a Zen saying, it is to know and not to do is to not yet know, to know and not to do is to not yet know. I like that one. It’s good because all wisdom comes in. Doing not in Knowing it comes in doing good things to live by. I think you’ll really enjoy this interview. It is a 10th episode show. So we go off topic, discuss something of general interest. We’ll be back tomorrow talking about income property investment, the most historically proven asset class in the entire world. And lots more next week and five days a week, Monday through Friday. I am also gearing up for our cruise. Yes, it is a few months away. But in cruise time, it’s time to register. If you want to check that out. Just go to the front page of Jason Hartman calm and you can find out all about our upcoming cruise. It’s going to be an awesome time, a full seven days together going to Cuba, Grand Cayman, and Jamaica, mon Jamaica. So join us for that. Check that out at Jason hartman.com. And without further ado, let’s get to our guest and learn how to communicate like a Buddhist It’s my pleasure to welcome Cynthia Cain. She is the best selling author of two great books, how to communicate like a Buddhist and her new book. Talk to yourself like a Buddhist five mindful tools to silence negative self talk.
Cynthia Kane 5:16
Cynthia, welcome. How are you? I’m doing well. Thank you for asking. I’m really excited to be here and talking to you today.
Jason Hartman 5:23
Good to have you on and this is this is a great topic. And you’re coming to us from Washington DC, is that correct? That is right. I just today we’ll look at the external nature of communication, and also the internal nature of communication. Since it’s maybe more obvious. Let’s start with the external and go internal after that,
Cynthia Kane 5:44
externally speaking, how would one communicate like a Buddhist and and how would that make them more effective to communicate like a Buddhist, they speak timely, honestly, with compassion, they don’t exaggerate. They don’t gossip. They use helpful language. So the majority of the time one is speaking, others can actually hear and understand. So they’re very conscious, concise and clear. And really understanding what their responsibility is within a communication so that their words what they say. They’re not responsible for how the other person interprets or reacts to them.
Jason Hartman 6:24
When people don’t communicate clearly and they don’t speak kindly, and helpfully that really presents a roadblock in the communication process, doesn’t it? Because the other person, they might put up walls or they might ignore I mean, there’s all sorts of things that go on in the other person’s mind. Right?
Cynthia Kane 6:43
Yeah, for certain often what happens is in communication, there’s a tendency to become very defensive, especially when what’s coming out of the other person’s mouth feels like an attack or feels like a judgment. And that’s one of the pieces with communicating like a Buddhist is that there’s no no judgment attached to the language that you’re using. So there’s no evaluation, it really is coming from, you know, the direct experience with really the intention to be helpful and not hurtful. And so a lot of times when having, you know, back and forth, it’s very easy to feel attacked or criticized or judged. And this is what brings our defenses out. And we default back to getting passive, aggressive, overreacting, lashing out or sometimes, you know, people shut down and and stomp away.
Jason Hartman 7:32
Right. And maybe the oddest paradox here is that the closer and more important the person is in our life, the more susceptible we are to that defensiveness that are weak, you
Cynthia Kane 7:45
know, there’s a tendency to speak to those we love the most, in kind of the most hurtful ways, when really what we want to do is we want to be in those moments and see the other person with you know, love and care. and respect the person in front of us is someone we want to support and we want to help and that they keeping really the integrity of the conversation intact is what becomes the priority, which is, if the conversation is veering towards something that is hurtful or it’s no longer helpful, then the role is really to reset the conversation, that it becomes that or, you know, to leave the conversation so that it keeps that integrity. Yeah, yeah. It’s really interesting. I sort of wonder why that part of human nature exists. I mean, and I’m certainly guilty of it, too, from time to time where I’ll be nicer to a stranger than a loved one. You know, and I just don’t understand why we do that. I know we all do it. But any any thoughts on that? Well, I think it has a lot to do with the sense that the person will always be there, or that there’s almost taking for granted for in those situations that the person that we care for or families will just unconditionally love us. And so I think because of that there’s a safety and lashing out. And there’s a safety in expressing ourselves in ways that we wouldn’t normally, you know, in a work environment or to people that we’re just meeting, and we’re able to kind of let go and let our guard down, although oftentimes what happens is, by doing that, it ends up poisoning a little bit, the relationships, because it then becomes difficult for that, you know, one instance to be forgotten, and then it becomes a cycle. Yeah, that’s true. Good point. So there’s mindful listening, listen to ourselves. Listen to others. expand on that a little bit. If you would, to communicate like a Buddhist, you’re really using the elements of right speech in Buddhism, and the elements of right speech or To tell the truth, don’t exaggerate, don’t gossip and use helpful language. But to be able to actually do that, right. It’s all really wonderful in theory to be
Jason Hartman 9:57
sounds easy. That’s what that’s what she said on the podcast. I was told just go out and do that. Right?
Cynthia Kane 10:03
Yeah. So it’s actually how do you actually do this? So, for me, when I first learned the elements of Right Speech, I thought, Okay, great. These are guidelines, I can follow. But how does this actually happen? So that’s where the practice of communication is born. There’s a practice, there’s a process and a method that you use to be able to speak aligned with the elements of right speech. And that is really, to listen to yourself, to listen to others, to speak consciously, clearly and concisely, to use silence as a part of speech in a way that brings intimacy and connection, and then meditation. And so it’s the process of going inward, and really starting to pay attention to how we connect with ourselves, how we speak to ourselves, how we speak to ourselves, while we’re in conversation with other people even and learning how to kind of move out of speaking to ourselves in a hurtful way, so that we can then speak to others in a kind honesty helpful way, right? So we start there with the listening to yourself, and then you move into how to actually be present with others and be open even in those moments where you disagree. And you know, even in those really heated discussions where all you want to do is lash out or shut down? How do you actually stay in those conversations, and have them be productive and come to resolve, essentially. And then with silence, it’s about using it for connection and intimacy and to rebound the conversation to recenter. And come back to that purpose of it being kind, honest and helpful. And then meditation is really the glue that holds it all together in the sense that meditation teaches you really how to respond instead of react, right? And how to be kind to yourself. But it’s the formal practice of what I call I call this intentional communication. And so meditation is really the formal practice of that because how how you are in meditation is actually how you You are in conversation. Talk to
Jason Hartman 12:02
us a little bit more about the silence aspect. I find that to be particularly interesting. How do you communicate with silence?
Cynthia Kane 12:10
Do now you know, if you think about how silence is used, it’s really used to punish to shame can be used to kind of ignore, right to really disconnect and push others away can be used to a certain authority. You know, a lot of people that I work with within company settings, silence is often used as a tool to promote discomfort or to have the other person going to move over to the the other person side of thinking type of use of silence. And so instead what we want to do is we want to use the silence to create more connection. And so what that means is looking for ways to pause during your conversations, so that you’re really going inward and knowing if you’re speaking in a way that the other person can hear you if you’re speaking in a way that is aligned with the elements of right speech, and choosing that path to do. So it’s in those heated moments, pausing, getting very quiet. So that you can choose how you want really the rest of the conversation to go. And then it’s in the moments that are really joyful and wonderful, taking that time to pause and to get quiet so that you can get closer and you can choose to share and to open up. So that’s one way of using silence is really bringing the pause into the conversation. And the other is so that you can, again, like I mentioned before, it’s really re centering you. So it’s bringing you back into the present moment so that you can decide in that moment to really, you know, be kind and be respectful,
Jason Hartman 13:52right. So the pause in that respect is us to remind ourselves what we’re doing. We’re not just going off in a direction without being mindful about it. Right. Right.
Cynthia Kane 14:05
And it’s also it’s that pause itself. It’s a way to break the flow of the conversation sometimes as well. Right? So if something isn’t going in the most wonderful way to be able to step back, you know, even to say, I need a minute, I need to take a minute to get my thoughts together. It kind of de escalates the situation. Sure, sure. Yeah.
Jason Hartman 14:27
No, very interesting. Good stuff. Can you share any, like an example of any of these maybe one conversation that isn’t going right, and maybe one that is, you know, like, just so people can compare them to the I know, I may be putting you on the spot with that. But if you can think of anything, or maybe it’s an example from the book, I don’t know.
Cynthia Kane 14:47
I mean, you can take a small everyday example of going and ordering a coffee, and the person making the coffee maybe gets the order on So you could react right instantaneously and just blurt out, this isn’t what I ordered. You know, I’m late right now I have to be getting somewhere. Could you redo this for me, please? Or the opposite would be, you know, in that instance, you’re reacting right away, right? So you’re not really paying attention at all to how your language is being used. And it’s really coming from a place of judgment and blames, because most of our gut reactions, they’re coming from a place of defensiveness. When we feel uncomfortable when we feel fearful when we feel threatened. That’s why we defend ourselves in this way. So that’s why we react so quickly. And the opposite way would be for the same situation to happen. And there actually would be, you know, a pause, and that’s when you would go inward and you would assess the situation. Right, you’d understand that this person isn’t trying to make you late that this person wasn’t trying to mess up the order, right? And so really all that happened was you bought the wrong drink. And what you really need is get the right drink. So then your interaction would be more along the lines of it looks like you gave me a decaf soy latte when I really wanted a decaf almond latte. You know, I know that wasn’t your intention? Would you be able to remake this for me now? I just can’t help but think
Jason Hartman 16:28
firstworldproblems talking about this, you know? Yeah.
Cynthia Kane 16:36
So the reason why I highlight it is because it really is the small day to day conversation that leads to those bigger conversations, right? that lead to people having over reactions and you know, other people feeling the need to defend themselves and then happen constantly and it becomes
Jason Hartman 16:55
I guess there’s a couple elements to that that are important. Number one, it becomes habit, if we keep doing this, we sort of rationalize and support and continue our own bad behavior. Right? That’s one part. Right. But the other part is that it has that processional effect, you know, you’re throwing the stone into the pond and into the world and, you know, the whole world becomes that way because then that person treats the next conversation differently and that I you know, it’s it’s amazing how procession works, right? We affect hundreds and thousands of people with our actions. It’s, it’s truly incredible, you know, to think about that in
Cynthia Kane 17:33
the way that I see it, it It only takes one person to change the conversation, because the more you interact differently, the more people begin to notice and the more people actually stop to think about how they’re interacting. This situation you could take a more intimate example or a personal relationship would you know would be maybe a boyfriend and girlfriend or people in partnership and you know, one person is constantly on the phone All the time, and it really bothers the other person. And anytime, you know, they’re on the phone, one of them just overreact, and just says, I hate it when you’re on the phone, you know, I feel like you don’t care about me. And you don’t see me and we don’t talk anymore. And all you do is spend your time on the phone and it just that kind of language, right? And then the other person because of that can feel completely attacked, judged, when maybe they were on their phone catch you up, but I work you know, we don’t know. Right? You don’t know in those moments. So you’re just assuming you don’t necessarily know the truth. But on the opposite side, it could be you know, the person is on the phone and instead of kind of going into that, gut reactions of really coming into yourself to get present to understand Okay, this person is not trying to be hurtful to me, right? This person is just on their phone. What is this making me feel and what do I need for this, not tap? Again, so then it becomes more freezing where it’s when you’re on your phone, I feel invisible. I know that’s not your intention, the next time we’re together, could you be on your phone for 15 minutes and then spend the rest of the time with me?
Jason Hartman 19:15
Okay, so I want to switch gears if we can to self talk and the inner determines the outer, right? And then, you know, the outer determines the inner to, hopefully a lesser extent, but it’s certainly important. So, it’s been said that the most important conversation we will have is the conversation we have with ourselves. So how do we self talk like a Buddhist or talk to yourself? This is the book title to be more accurate. Yeah.
Cynthia Kane 19:44
So I mean, the same questions kind of align right in the sense of is the language that you’re using when you talk to yourself Is it promoting suffering or not? Is the language you’re using making you feel bad discomfort, a shame embarrassed, any type of language that brings those feelings about or less than, that’s negative self talk, the way to communicate with yourself as a Buddhist is to reach what I call the middle path of communication, which is not being your worst enemy not being your biggest fan, right? But reaching that state in the middle, where you can really see yourself objectively, right? So it’s a, it’s balanced language, the way that you’re talking to yourself. And it really does follow the same principles of it being honest and kind and helpful. And knowing that exaggeration is an extreme, and taking things personally is an extreme.
Jason Hartman 20:45
So the middle path language, the middle path, okay, so give us an example of, I mean, someone might say to myself is themselves you know, Why do I always do this wrong? I’m such a loser, you know, whatever they say right? All this stuff. negative self talk. And then the opposite side is Oh, I’m Napoleon. illusions of granter. Right or whatever. So the middle path like you have some examples of those.
Cynthia Kane 21:13
Yeah. So there’s a lot of different ways that we talked to ourselves negatively. So if we just take the personalization, right, we’re kind of everything is, we think everything is our fault. And we’re the worst possible person and nothing’s going right. Because we’ve done something. What you want to do instead is you want to replace that with balanced responsibility. So that means that you’re coming from a place of observation. So you acknowledge your role that you had within a situation, but nothing further. So instead of It’s all my fault, it would look like I played a part in the situation, right? Or, I’m doing my best and I’m only responsible for my own decisions and actions. Does that make sense? Sure. Yeah. It makes a lot of sense. It’s It’s great. I’m curious, though, because I think anybody listening will agree that negative self talk is is not going to be helpful. But
Jason Hartman 22:12
the interesting thing about the the Buddhist middle path in communication is, you know, any motivational speaker will say, you should pump yourself up, right. And I’m the greatest, you know, what about that? Do you think, like the middle path would be not positive self talk? It would be neutral self talk, right? Is there a distinction?
Cynthia Kane 22:36
No, that is correct. Because boosting ourselves up in that way, is an exaggeration, and it’s not truth. Right? So with the middle path, the idea is to be the truth of the situation, right to see the direct experience to see who you really are and really what your responsibility is in certain situations. And so it’s more about leaving the judgment behind, and really coming from a place of observation, you’re not exaggerating into the best version of yourself. But you’re also not going to the opposite extreme either.
Jason Hartman 23:13
You almost wonders, I mean, some of the better goals and I know that we’re talking about goal setting, but I think it’s almost analogous. Some of the better goal setting advice that I’ve heard might be, you know, set goals that are just out of reach, but not out of sight, right. There’s something that will stretch you, but they’re not ridiculous, right? They’re realistic, but they’re a stretch. So in the middle path concept, shouldn’t we try to talk to ourselves with a little bit of a pump up with a, you know, not a crazy ridiculous exaggeration, like just out of reach, but not out of sight, but like promoting this growth concept? I mean, certainly Buddhism believes in growth. Right. So there is a I mean, all of us have a better version of ourselves. And then there’s a ridiculous unrealistic version, right? or?
Cynthia Kane 24:09
Yeah, I think the big piece is that when you’re talking to yourself in this way, it’s talking to yourself with compassion, right? So you’re talking to yourself as you would a friend. And it’s really, you know, just being very gentle with yourself and being very friendly with yourself. And so with that, I mean, there is positive there, right? Because you are coming to yourself really, with this sense of appreciation and understanding. And it’s also knowing that your language is going to be helpful to you.
Cynthia Kane 24:42
And not hurtful.
Jason Hartman 24:43
No, good, good. I like that you talk about in chapter six, the practice of questioning. Now, I don’t know what you mean by it. But I find that a lot of ways in life to defuse becoming upset about something is to just question it. If someone acts badly to you, you know, you certainly view it that way, obviously, and get all upset about it. But, you know, maybe just ask yourself a question about it. You know, I wonder why they’d act that way. Maybe something’s going on in their life, maybe a close person in their life just passed away or was diagnosed with a disease? Or maybe they were, who knows what people are going through? Nobody wouldn’t none of us ever really know, right? Even the people that are closest to us a lot of times don’t even really, really know. You know, maybe they know the thing, but they don’t know what’s going on in our minds. Right. So what about questioning?
Cynthia Kane 25:38
Yeah, I think that’s a really great point. Because what often happens is we just go with the thoughts in our heads and the beliefs that we have, right? And rarely do we slow down and just stop and get quiet and ask questions. And so I think asking questions does shift the way that you see and it can shift how You’re seeing another person seeing a situation. And it also makes you look at how you’re using language. I mean when we stop, and we ask ourselves kind of what judgment Am I making? Or how am I actually adding to this observation? Right? There’s the actual direct experience. And then we have a tendency to add evaluation and add judgment and all these other add ons. But if we strip all those away, then we’re really left with what we really often need to focus on, which is the truth. And so just asking ourselves, what judgment Am I making about myself? How am I evaluating myself right now can change the way that we see ourselves? good points. Cynthia, there’s a big body of work here obviously, couldn’t ask you everything. Is there anything else you just want to share with our listeners, anything else you want them to know from either the books what I like to tell students is just that it is Practice, right communicating is a practice, it’s a skill. It’s a learned skill. And often it feels difficult and exhausting. But once you know a method and once you know a process, then it becomes a lot easier. And this process right of communicating like a Buddhist or the practice of intentional communication, it’s doable. And what it helps you do is it really helps you become, you know, more responsive than reactive and so that you’re no longer led around by your emotion, but you actually are able to be in those, you know, difficult conversations with your emotion, breathe alongside them, and they’ll be able to choose how you know how you interact in those moments. And so it’s possible to change your communication, although it may not feel that way. It definitely is. So that’s good points. give out your website. It Cynthia Kane com See ya n th IKNE
Jason Hartman 27:59
center Cynthia Kane, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you so much for listening. Please be sure to subscribe so that you don’t miss any episodes. Be sure to check out the show’s specific website and our general website heart and Mediacom for appropriate disclaimers and Terms of Service. Remember that guest opinions are their own. And if you require specific legal or tax advice, or advice and any other specialized area, please consult an appropriate professional. And we also very much appreciate you reviewing the show. Please go to iTunes or Stitcher Radio or whatever platform you’re using and write a review for the show we would very much appreciate that. And be sure to make it official and subscribe so you do not miss any episodes. We look forward to seeing you on the next episode.